So today I was inspired to come out of blogging hibernation because I saw possibly the worst dodgy 2*2 management matrix ever. The piece below was something that was originally going to be part of my next book with Kailash – as we spend some time on why models like this are so popular. Unfortunately this piece never made it, but Craig Brown told me I had to release it or he would. Thus, I feel it is now appropriate to unveil the greatest 2*2 dodgy management model ever! Without further ado I present to you the ASS Scale…
Does your team kick ass?
Want to improve team performance? Do you want your teams to be more agile, resilient, flexible, strategic, emergent, dynamic and follow orders without question?
The Agile Synergy Scale (ASS)™ is a cutting edge team diagnostic tool that provides a typology of team states. This provides CEO’s and other people who control the budget a sure-fire way to bring the best out of your people, help them reach their full potential and Kick Ass!.
The Agile Synergy Scale draws on several beers worth of research into all the latest literature from Wikipedia and Social Media, such as Big Data Analytics, Neuroscience, Holocracy, Transdisciplinary Intelligence, Innovation Ideation, Neurolinguistic Complexity Theory, Tasseography, Graphology, Craniosacral Therapy and 3D Printing. It explores the relationship between people, motivation and intelligence and unlocks an entirely new way of thinking about all forms of organisational awesomeness.
The framework consists of 4 domains – or “ASS cheeks” as shown below. There is a fifth domain – but we will get to that in a moment. These domains are illustrated in the diagram below.
The X axis represents team ability from low to high – and incorporates all of the sheer talent and expert knowledge necessary to probe for outstanding achievement for team and organisational excellence. The vertical scale represents a team desire – the lube of synergy that is the difference between accommodating maximum motivation versus constricted performance.
Let’s examine each ass-cheek in more detail and see where you and your team sits.
High Desire, High Skills: Kick Ass!
You and your team are as awesome as the Avengers. Perfectly balanced between brain, brawn and beauty, there is no challenge too tough for you and a Nobel prize in the category of legendaryness is a foregone conclusion.
High Desire, Low Skills: Kiss Ass
You and your team so want to be awesome, you all read the clickbait pearls of wisdom on your LinkedIn feed and therefore “talk the talk” with the best of them, but when the rubber hits the road and pressure is on, there is nothing under the hood. A dangerous sub-variety of kiss-asses are scary-asses (those who think they are kick-asses but are blind to their skill deficiencies.)
Low Desire, High Skills: Slack-ass (or “Can’t be assed”)
You all know your stuff as good as anybody, but nevertheless, you all withhold your discretionary effort (loafing). This is likely because the psychological needs of your team and individual members are not being met – either that or you are all whiny bitches.
Low Desire, Low Skills: Suck-ass
This quadrant has two sub-types. Rational suck-asses and stupid suck-asses. Rational suck-asses have the self-awareness to know they suck-ass and remedial action can be undertaken. Stupid suck-asses unfortunately have their head so far up their asses that they have little awareness of how much they suck-ass.
The toxic hole of chaos
There is a fifth domain (in the middle of the diagram): The toxic hole of chaos, which is the state of not knowing what sort of ASS cheek your team aligns with. It is extremely important you avoid this area in the long term as prolonged exposure can stifle and suffocate your team.
How to measure your ASS
We measure your teams ASS by administering a Rate of Extrinsic Collaboration and Team Agile Leadership Exam. This psychometric instrument can be administered by one of our certified Agile Synergy Scale PROfessional Business Excellence Reviewers. Our ASS PROBERS have gone through an extensive vetting process via a comprehensive multi-choice exam, and can administer a RECTAL exam with minimum discomfort.
So what are you waiting for? Sign your team up for a RECTAL exam today and measure your ASS.